Julie Purcell - February 13, 2000

Opening Bridget Jones's Diary, by Helen Fielding, was like opening a door into my own screwed up life. Realizing there are other people out there in the world who over-analyze every single aspect of the day is extremely comforting. My life is filled with countless misunderstandings, mostly made when I open up my mouth and attempt to communicate with other human beings. As I am a talkative soul, you can only imagine the trouble I get myself into. As of late, I have been caught up in a relationship which brought me many hours of puzzlement and frustration brought on by complete lack of communication. Reading Bridget's diary inspired me to write my own personal diary, outlining the internal turmoil caused by the last few weeks of communicative confusion. All names have been changed to protect the men who make me wonder if I will ever have a sane and healthy relationship.

Saturday, February 5

1:15 p.m. Have decided alcohol is the devil's spawn. Feels like brain is dried into tiny raisin with no hope of hydration. Perhaps if tiny raisin was consumed would cure horrendous headache and stomach growling in one fowl swoop.

1:30 p.m. Even shower not able to sooth aching body. However, gave me time to attempt to remember the happenings of last night. Having difficulties probing the recesses of mind for images of last evening. Seem to remember party at pike, dancing with suitemate Michelle. Amazing how a little dancing between girls has the ability to create a circular congregation of frat boys. Quite amusing. Think multiple people must be convinced I am lesbian. Might as well be, as boy am actually dating, Brian, doesn't actually understand that dating involves talking to and seeing other person.

1:45 p.m. Today will be productive day. Am going to make list of things which must be accomplished before going out this evening (if body is in sufficient shape to experience another night out).

1. Must dry hair and get dressed.
2. Have to continue studying for molecular cell test which is preparing to fry already injured brain.
3. Need to make way to gym and actually exercise sorry saggy ass.
4. Should probably read some more religion, but so unmotivated as teacher puts me to sleep every time he opens his mouth. Wonder if making tape of class could actually cure insomnia...must consider marketing possibilities
5. Must NOT get in touch with Brian. Must NOT get upset if he does not call or instant message me. Must NOT think of Brian.

1:50 p.m. Just got IM! Run to computer to see is...suitemate. Yell at Sarah Boxely for getting me excited as thought it was Brian...not thinking about Brian.

1:51 p.m. Wonder if Brian is up yet.

1:53 p.m. See Brian on buddy list. Wonder if he sees me on buddy list. Wonder if still even has me on his buddy list. Wonder if he is thinking of me. Wonder if he is going to message me. Know I would rather die than message him. don't want him to know I am thinking of him.

1:54 p.m. Brian gets off computer. Want to castrate the boy for not getting in touch with me for the past three days. Has to be some other bitch he's interested in.

1:56 p.m. Castration probably not too good of an idea...visions of Lorenna Bobbit dance in my head...

2:01 p.m. Am scaring myself. Need to STOP thinking about Brian before turning into crazy psycho bitch. Will start doing some work to relieve self from reality of Brian suckage.

2:15 p.m. Finding molecular cell book even more sedative than religion class. Think I will take a short nap to relieve nagging dropping of eyelids.

6:34 p.m. Shit.

6:35 p.m. Going to check phone for messages as might have been so tired as slept through gentle ring of cordless.

6:36 p.m. Nobody loves me. Hate phone message service. Only serves as a constant reminder that no one calls me.

6:40 p.m. Stomach feels like small mack truck is doing wheelies. Must get dressed and go to Pit or Benson to sooth pain.

6:41 p.m. Shit...hair is plastered to side of head. Must take additional shower.

7:03 p.m. Phone rings!

7:04 p.m. Is mother reminding me to go to controllers office. Fabulous.

7:06 p.m. Phone rings! Run back from bathroom in frantic scramble to figure out where threw phone in fit after mom called...

7:07 p.m. don't find phone in time. Check messages. No message. Could have been Brian. Maybe he called and didn't leave message because didn't want me to know he called so he could call back later and not seem like stalker. Decide to call Brian and say hi anyway.

7:08 p.m. Call Brian and hang up after first ring. don't want him to know I care. Am so thankful Wake campus does not have caller ID or *69.

8:30 p.m. Get back from dinner. Ran into some Kappas and remembered party we have this evening with Sig Chi. don't want to go to Sig Chi as don't know any Sig Chis.

8:35 p.m. Emily called and convinced me to go to Sig Chi with her. Agreed on condition that go to Sig Ep afterwards so maybe as to bump into Brian and blow him off.

3:30 am Saw Brain ast Sigi Eppi dacngin with narsty girl. He camne over and said allo and presceded to go nother beer ands comne 'back.' Dunt undsertand what 'back' meansd as not see Brian for resst of evening. Saw brian outside and he treies to talks to me, but I walked aways asnd went to pikes. Going to write ass whipe an e-mail:

Brian, we need to talk pronto. Give me a call as soon as you get this.

Katie

Taok 10 minns to writes e-mail wihtout drunksen mistaskes. Hawte e-mail. Hate Brian. Hate boqys.

Neesd Slepp.

Sunday, February 6

1:24 p.m. Alcohol is devil's spawn.

1:25 p.m. Seem to remember phone ringing 3 times last night around 4a.m.ish. Figured it was Brian who got message and wanted to talk as to save our relationship from collapsing into nothingness. Didn't answer phone because didn't want him to think I was here waiting for phone call. Besides...probably wasn't the punk anyway. Also could not move limbs.

Figure I will check messages so I can hear Brian begging for mercy.

1:30 p.m. Ok, no messages from Brian. However, three messages from Rob (sexy pike boy).

Ok, love Rob! Think I will instant message him to say thank you for all the lovely phone calls last night.

Message to Robo2:

Want to have a million of Rob's babies. He's such a sweetie.

1:35 p.m. Still haven't heard from Rob. Maybe he's still sleeping. He was rather blitzed last night. But his name is active on the list! Argh. Maybe he's in the shower. Maybe he's embarrassed about last night...

1:40 p.m. Still haven't gotten a message back from Rob. Damn it. Hate instant messenger. Am not going to look at the list so don't know when Rob is or is not online.

1:42 p.m. Have to instant message friend...must check list...Rob isn't online anymore...damn...

1:45 p.m. Can not resist checking IM list! Think IM is turning into addiction. Wonder if AOL representatives planned on turning internet into strange addiction which turns ordinary people into psycho stalkers. Think I need to start going to AA meetings (AOL Addict).

1:50 p.m. Just remembered Brian. Still hasn't called me...or IMed me....or e-mailed me. Just saw him get online. Know the a-hole is up. Damn it, now have two boys who are refusing to get in touch with me. Think the entire male race should shrivel up and die. Then would not have to worry about guys not writing or calling me back. Why am I always the one with the retarded boys? Argh.

2:00 p.m. Have decided I do not need to put myself through this grief anymore. Am going to break up with Brian today. Realize that is what I intended to do last night when wrote Brian drunken stupor e-mail. Good to know that sober self is in tune with drunk self. Now all I need is for Brian to call me so I can tell him off. Don't want to call him because don't want to be crazy annoying bitch. Want to know that he cares enough to freakin call me. I know he's gotten my e-mail. Damn it.

2:10 p.m. Got IM back from Rob! Yeah! Gotta love Rob!

Robo2: Hey sweetie. Sorry for all the drunken phone calls last night.

He called me sweetie! Definitely a good thing. Really want to write him back, but realize have to wait so he doesn't think was waiting by computer for reply from him. Think about what I'm going to say…

2:12 p.m. Really wanna write him back. Don't want to be rude...after all I’m not trying to play games...

2:15 p.m. Ok, going to write Rob back. Don't want him to think am being bitchy.

WOOOHOOOOO!!!!!!!!! Have decided Brian definitely needs to get the boot because have to be able to fully pursue Rob. Having visions of what our children would look like...

2:30 p.m. Suitemates have convinced me we would have the most beautiful children ever.

2:31 p.m. Ok, need to stop gazing at his WIN photo and actually get something accomplished. Will not be a stalker WIN psycho. Back to molecular cel....will NOT fall asleep today.

2:40 p.m. Caffeine is my best friend. Here's to Jolt...eww tastes like ass. Must remember doing this for the greater good of my GPA.

4:56 p.m. Shit, have to get to Diva's practice...just remembered I have to lead practice today and don't know the music. Fabulous. Just what I need...to feel incompetent. Phone ringing...crapola have to leave.

4:57 p.m. Ok, that was Audrey saying she can't come to practice. Reminded me Brian still hasn't called me. Think I will give up and go over there after practice to give him a good kick in the pants.

4:59 p.m. Really leaving now.

10:30 p.m. Just got back from library. Hate library because always run into people I don't want to see...for instance entire sig ep fraternity. However, did break up with Brian! Go Julie! Went over there and told him things were not working out and what is the point of this relationship anyway, etc. So then he comes back and tries to convince me he was thinking the same thing. Uh huh. Obviously I was the only one with the balls to actually do something about it. He tells me he's still in love with his ex-girlfriend. Ok buddy, thanks for sharing that with me when we were dating. Obviously Brian has some problems with communication...like he doesn't do it, period. He tells me he didn't know how to be honest with me. Right. Ok, how did I end up feeling like the dumped one when I went over there to break up with him? Hate relationships. Never ever want to have to deal with a relationship ever again. Think I will get a mail-order groom.

11:45 p.m. Just saw Rob online. Think we would make an amazing couple. Can't wait to go out to dinner with him next week! Think I will go through closet and put together an outfit.

1:55 am Just got an IM from Rob saying he doesn't think he can get dinner because he has a meeting that night. Have this nagging feeling he really could get dinner if he really wanted to. Tells me he wants to get together next weekend instead. Hmmm...think life would be much easier if I could just turn my brain off every once in a while to get it to stop analyzing every single thing that ever happens in my sorry little world.

1:56 am Think I will go crawl into bed as to turn off loud voices in my head that refuse to let me sit still and study. Think I am turning into a sleep addict. Now I can add that to my long list of addictions: sleep, cigarettes and alcohol (but trying to convince myself only a college thing), instant messenger. Wonder if I come across being as screwed up as I think I am. I hate first impressions.

2:05 p.m. Ok really going to bed now.

2:06 p.m. God, please let me dream of Rob. Amen.